Ray the Wise

I know. I just like to point out that chicks dig me and that I have a schweet car collection.

USA Number One!

Well I'm 63 years old, that makes me a little old to attend college.

Besides, I think I've done well enough with my life not to be burdened by the sacrifices of higher education. 6 figures a year, homeboy, and chicks dig my greying hair, smooth voice and eclectic collection of vehicles.

Can the same be said about you? I think not. Good day, sir.

And then yesterday Obama comes on TV just as I'm about to go to sleep and says they caught Bin Laden in some s**thole compound deep in Pakistan (By the way, I just gotta say that for a 1-million dollar home, his looks like donkey crap). Any thoughts as to whether or not I should drive to the In-N-Out in spite of me getting barred from there and apologize to the Bin Laden sosie if he still works there?

So, yeah, ever since then, I was convinced that Bin Laden had eluded capture. Then I got a letter in the mail from In-N-Out corporate, barring me from all their properties accross the US. I wanted to start a blog about it but in the end I got caught up doing something more interesting (namely a commercial for Head & Shoulders that finally never aired).

In the end we talked the whole thing over... the manager and the Bin Laden guy wanted to file a complaint for assault, but then the cops realized I was just Ray Wise doing his patriotic duty, so one of the officers kindly told me to "F**k off out of here before we bust your ass for disturbing the peace" (his words).

...then I tried to call out to their patriotism to avenge the victims of 9/11, then the manager ran outside, pulled me from the window and tackled me to the ground... and what do you know, in the meantime, about 10 cars had lined up behind mine in the drive-thru lane, including a CHP cruiser, and two officers ran over to interrupt the scuffle. I tried to ask them to assist me but they just pinned me to the hood of my truck and cuffed me.

When I got there, I just drove up to the drive-thru window and there he was. I tried to find something clever to say, but in the end I just blurted out a cheesy line from Robocop that wasn't in any way related to the situation. The guy didn't budge so I tried to cuff him with the tie-wraps, but then all hell broke loose. Long story short, he started yelling, then I told him he was Bin Laden, then he told me I was racist, then his colleagues went to help him...

I thought about it and realized that it was my duty as an American patriot to do something about it - although I'll admit that the fame and reward associated to his capture might have been among my motivations as well. So I went to the Home Depot to get a bag of tie wraps, then I put on my sunglasses and drove my truck to the In-N-Out with the attention of arresting Bin Laden and bringing him to justice.

I stared at him for about 15 seconds, and he seemed to have that look in his eyes that says "Yeah, you found me, now what are you going to do, who's going to believe you?", so I just grabbed my soda and left - but I was so distraught that it remained in the cupholder for about two weeks, and then a wasp managed to find its way into the cup and die in the drink so I just threw that s**t away in the neighbor's yard.

So it turns out he was in Pakistan all along? Aww geez. Now I feel awful.

See, sometime last year, I was coming back from Oakmont and stopped to grab a soda at the In-N-Out Burger next to the Ventura/Glendale interchange. And I swear to God, I was convinced that the guy who handed me my drinks at the drive-thru window was Bin Laden, minus the flea-infested beard.

Yeah, they don't make those anymore.

I'm not kidding, that car looked like a f***ing jet fighter. F-16 or some s**t. Love it.

Ray determines that the dog must have ate the keys, drives his Excursion to TacoBell and gets 30 bucks worth of pseudo-mexican crap, feeds dog and waits.

You know how there are 3 states to matter: Gas, liquid and solid? Well, gentlemen, there's something somewhere in between liquid and solid. And my keys were in there somewhere. Fun times.

Riding in a '96 Mark V is still well worth it, though.

Whatever it was that Voodoo had his hands in, it'll never beat what I had to put my hands into.

Here's a clue:

Dog eats keys to Ray's '96 Mark V.

Ray feels like taking a drive in his '96 Mark V.

Ray looks for keys, can't find them, notices dog looks suspicious.