Ray the Wise

Maybe.

That's the sound of my concern.

I usually eat crackers and breathe heavily when I'm concerned about world events. Which has been happening A LOT lately.

I used to have a diorama of that time when Meryl Streep attempted to get away with a hit-and-run in a parking lot but then her car got stuck and she got confronted by onlookers and went berserk, attacking one of them with a pair of shoes. I believe it was 1/24th scale or something. Very detailed and all - it even had those little miniature doll shoes.

But then I sold it in a yard sale to a woman who looked suspiciously like Meryl Streep wearing those huge Lady Gaga hooker sunglasses.

Talk about someone who would rather buy everyone's silence than accept they've made a mistake and move the f*ck on.

*strange heavy breathing noise, like someone breathing with a mouthful of masticated crackers*

I think he holds a special place in everyone's heart. Why didn't he run for 2012 US President?

Busy with sh*t.

Well, we don't have a vice squad, either.

Well that's even better. That means the position is open.

I decided to rethink my approach. You can't spell Vice Squad without Miami Vice - well, actually, you can, but it's not my point.

My point is screw muscle cars - I want a white convertible Testarossa with a Florida license plate that reads "WISE 1". It's more my style.

I've also got a couple pastel suits I can bring from home.

Pretty sure that's a NO.

Which part?

I guess the fedora might be a little over the top.

Is there any room in there for Detective Ray Alfonso Wise of the Vice Squad?

I'm looking for a place where I can virtually wear a fedora, drive a muscle car aggressively, kick down doors, carry a bigass shotgun and yell.

I made up the Alfonso part, by the way. It's my cop name. Oh and if I can't have the shottie, I'll settle for Dirty Harry's 44 Magnum.

You know what? Actually I'd like to have both. And also a Thompson model 1928 with a drum mag, those things are wicked.

Am I the only one who thinks Ray deserves an award for 'Most Awesome Posts'?

You should really make stuff for FunnyJunk.

Why, thank you!

You want to make them awesomer? Try reading them in your head with my smooth baritone voice.

Theeeere you go. Ain't that just one degree more awesome than it was?

By the way it was The Wicker Man, not The Omen.

The Omen had Julia Stiles in it. Oh the things I'd do to her.

As a former president of the united states, the USSS won't let me touch his account or posts, he kinda just runs wild here every so often. Those damn soviets had him drove loopy, I can't blame him for passing the favour on

Is that another reference to Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2?

And here's the clip I was referring to before anyone starts calling me a nutjob:

Man, that guy is intense. And not in a good way either.

Look at it closely, the bees are everywhere BUT in his eyes. Moron.

Ray...is..being..Wise. You must dig deep into the text to find the answer to life's questions

What? No, it's just an hilarious line blurted out by Nick Cage in The Omen. Rented it on Netflix this afternoon. It sucked. Nick Cage sucks too.

OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!

Common dude what is you next d*mb post? XD

I thought "dumb" had been repealed as a bad word since 1973. Or maybe you meant "domb", which kind of sounds like "dong", which might be regarded as offensive if you've got a perverted mind.

What do you mean, "another"?

If you're the guy on the right in your profile picture, you look like Harry Potter if that asshole with no nose had stolen his magic glasses.

It's a compliment by the way, I enjoy most of the stuff that Daniel Radcliffe does, save for those creepy naked shenanigans with the horses.

In-N-Out used to be my favorite, but after the incident with the Bin Laden lookalike, I can't go there anymore, save from when I'm wearing one of my crazy disguises... but then again, none of them are really practical for eating.

The closest Five Guys from me is the one at the Westfield mall over in Culver City - which isn't close at all. I drove all the way there once, but as I was looking for a parking spot, a man exposed himself to me in the parking lot and then I wasn't really that hungry anymore...

I hate Culver City. Every single time I go there, some f***ed up s**t happens, usually involving the unwanted sight of a man's genitals.

My name is Al, I live in Glendale the best part of L.A.

No way! Now ain't this a small world, a fellow Glendalaño!

Maybe you'll be able to confirm that I've got this huge garage with lots of cars in it. A lot of people here don't believe that.

Pizza ingredients, I guess. Cheese. Tomato sauce. Crust. And then, whatever you want to put on it.

I usually have them put tuna on mine. That probably explains the earlier reference to OH DEAR GOD I'VE SAID TOO MUCH!

Forget this. Forget everything.

Well i'm barack obama,

His story is the American story

Obviously you're not Obama. He wouldn't be talking about himself in the third person. Which is a behavior that I never engage in either.

You think Herman Cain is going to be the GOP candidate? I gotta say, I love his friggin' pizzas, they taste like there's an orgy of 1980s female porn stars in my mouth.

Remember when there weren't no Interwebs and you had to fulfill your filthy material needs by purchasing video tapes, in weird, dark, smelly stores?

...Well, me neither. But you get my point. Godfather's Pizza makes good pizza. Too bad they had to play on the Italian gangster stereotype to name their store chain.

Frankie Boyle being that cursing Scottsman? Ah, yes, I know him.

I'm Ray. But you knew that already.

I live in the Greater Los Angeles area. I'm rich, but slightly less rich than filthy rich, which means I can afford to possess many vehicles, but none of them are new. Or a Lamborghini. But hey, I can live with that.

I like to collect gadgets and prototypes that have very few uses but which are great conversation starters. I believe I already told you that I own the Zamboni Impala from that whatchamacallit show with Jesse James. I also have a discarded Samsung prototype microwave oven with a built-in laserdisc player (Man, weren't the 90s great?). That and a couple of other odd things - I bet I could open a museum.

Apart from that, I played the President of the United States in the C&C Red Alert 2 cutscenes. Man, those were fun times... apart maybe from having Udo Kier walk around the set in ladies' underwear. That guy just freaked me out... but then again, so do most Germans. When I think about Germans, I always think about that fat kid screaming at his computer, and that gives me the creeps. Him and that other fat kid from the Simpsons who won't stop eating candy and pastries. Can't stand him. Barry Corbin and me really hit it off though. He once brought a rifle to the set and we'd go outside and shoot pigeons between takes. But then we accidentally shot Kari Wührer's Mustang and she got extremely pissed at us... Heh, fun times anyway.

I tried to petition my city council so that they'd make the tornado sirens play this song:

They refused. Of course. Nevermind all the media buzz and tourism this would have generated.

That's what you get for thinking outside the box.

Thought I'd make an offtopic post of my own and ask what vehicles you people drive.

Here's what's in my garage (Yes, there's a lot, I've got a huge garage and I hate empty space)

-2004 Chrysler 300M: That'd be my day-to-day car. I do enjoy it, it's a fairly great ride, but I wish I had waited just a year more to get my hands on a 300C instead. That thing looks like a goddamn tank, with a big shiny grille that says "I'll cut you!" . My 300M feels more like a late-gen New Yorker after a trip to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Meh, it ought to break down before long, it's a Chrysler after all, and then I'll get my hands on a sweet new 300C... but then again, seems like they've already changed the design this year, so I'm pretty much screwed unless I buy it secondhand.

-1996 Lincoln Mark VIII: That thing is a f***ing modern world wonder. I love it. It's like driving a jet fighter, like an F-16 or some s***, only you don't have to wear an anti-G suit and a helmet. And it doesn't carry bombs. Nor missiles. Nor guns. Hey but it does have a radar jammer, shhhh though

-1999 Cadillac Escalade: That's right! '99! The year where the 'Lade was just a Yukon Denali on which they slapped a Cadillac logo and added more cupholders and fake wood trim. At least back then it still wasn't known as the official means of transportation for hip-hop stars, so when I drive it around town, people don't stare at it, thinking P-Diddy or 2pac is going to pop out. Yeah, 2pac. Some idiots think he's still alive - obviously the same idiots who keep buying the "new" Pac CDs that are obvious remixes of old songs, with T-Pain or Akon dubbed over them.

-1992 Chevy Corvette: I bought this car secondhand while on a trip to Arizona a couple years ago. It was parked in front of Denny's with a "For Sale" sign. You've gotta know that in the early 90's, I was really into driving games on my DOS PC, especially the first Test Drive as well as Vette!, so I figured, "Holy s***, what other chances will I ever get to own one of those things?" (Plenty, it turned out, after I read the classifieds in the LA Times, but hey, I fell in love with the damn thing, ok?) So it turns out the tail lights were busted (they still are, too lazy to fix them) and the muffler needs a serious tune-up, but at least I own a friggin' red Vette and I'm proud of it.

-Remember Monster Garage? That show with the douchebag who ended up cheating on Sandra Bullock? Remember that episode where they turned a '94 Impala SS into a Zamboni? Well I bought that. Not that it has any use these days, it's obviously ruined as a street vehicle, and I don't own any indoor ice rink (yet!). Great conversation starter, though...

I almost also bought that pickup truck they built in one episode to shake down nuts from trees, but I got outbid on this one. Hope you're happy with yourself, James Woods! I'll see you in hell!

-2003 Ford Excursion: I nicknamed that one "Bob", and it's my only car with a nickname for some reason. Go figure. It's not even a car, it's a huge monstrosity, and I had it fitted with custom shocks and springs so that makes it even scarier. I'll usually take this one for a drive when the 300M is parked behing another car in my garage and I don't feel like moving that car away first. I'll also use it when I go cruising the trails or beaches and want to attract hot babes by wearing my most expensive pair of Ray Bans and using cheesy pick-up lines. Actually, I keep that pair in the Excursion all the time.

and finally,

-1998 Jaguar XKR: I guess you could call this one my actual "star car", although it's getting a bit old. Meh, it's not as if I was Seth Rogen or Dustin Hoffman, right? I can afford to drive something that's not old enough to be a classic, but not recent enough to be hot and trendy. Besides, if you knew what that hunk of british junk cost me when I bought it back in '98, you too would consider it a long-term investment. Besides, I barely ever use it, I think it has around 25k miles on the counter or something. If I sold it on Ebay and said it belonged to me, there's a chance I could get up to 75% of my investment back. Not bad for a 12 years old car.

That's the issue! I used the repair option numerous times, I even reinstalled the game twice, to no avail. The fact of the matter is, I accidentally something in the registry about that file and now "Vbase71.dll", even after a clean install.

Also, circumstance emoticon: